Falderol

with good luck i find the dark stop me now

It's been over a full year now since I went on antidepressants. After a lot of fits and starts, I found the dose that quells the anxiety and leaves me an almost functional person.

Almost.

The frustrating thing about depression is that I second-guess every message my mind sends me. How do you discern the real from the deceptive when you've learned how many ways the brain can trick you?

So I don't know if this occasional distance, this numbness, this absence of feeling what I think I should feel is me, or is my drugs. I feel like I'm caught in this horrible position: choose to go off the meds and hope it doesn't get ugly again, or stay on the meds and always wonder if what I'm feeling is enough.

I haven't written since I started the drugs. Did I mention that?

But I don't want to go back to the soul-crushing anxiety either, the kind that leaves me breathless in a knot of nausea and panic. And I don't want to find out that this numbness isn't the drugs, but me.

I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I know we all have our burdens to carry and mine could be so much worse, but I still hate this. So very much.       

Coffee and tv

I'm back in England with blur running through my head and a serious hankering for sticky toffee pudding. There are lists of Days of Grace in my journal, but I have sporradic internet access now and so will save posting them for my return next week.

CB officially finished his doctorate yesterday. These three years have seen so many ups and downs that I can't quite believe they've finished. I feel like we need something earth-shaking to mark the culmination, something that forces everyone around us to take notice; however, I'll settle for a few pints and a really tasty fish and chips.

The trip back has been good, really good. I'm much more at peace with England than I was last time I left; I can look back now and let the good outweigh the bad, see that the choices we made were real and true and best, even when they didn't feel it. Oxford's been sunny and crisp as frost on windowpanes. The streets teem with students and I finally feel at home among them. I couldn't have imagined myself saying this before, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to return again.

Days of Grace, 5 of 365

1. Going to church and having several people smile and ask how I've been.
2. A great theological discussion that makes me feel more comfortable with my faith.
3. Asking my therapist to go down to appointments every three weeks and thinking, "I can do this."
4. A beautiful sunset view of the Cascades from our apartment.
5. Making plans to get together with friends when we're back in the US.

Days of Grace, 4 of 365

1. A walk around Green Lake on the first sunny day we've had since Christmas.
2. A cup of hot chocolate and a good conversation with SuperGeneticist at the Green Bean.
3. Watching dozens of dogs frolic around the lake.
4. Purchasing a copy of The Owl and the Woodpecker as my "I landed a job" treat.
5. Finding new places to explore on our trip to London next week.

Days of Grace, 3 of 365

1. Being offered a new job in a difficult economy.
2. Saying yes, because it's a job I want!
3. Lily's belly rolls when we come in the door.
4. Feeling the weight of financial issues lift.
5. A slightly melted pint of Snoqualmie Valley Chocolate Chip Custard.