One step closer to knowing

One of the most disheartening aspects of depression, at least for me, is the self-doubt it creates. Suddenly, you begin to question everything, from your own state of mind to your future. Logically, rationally, this is something I can treat. It isn't severe, nor is it disruptive to the point where I can't go to work or take a shower. Well, on occasion taking that shower might involve an hour's work, but at least it gets done. (And hey, I'm damn clean after all that time.)

And yet. If you ask me how I feel right now, I'll debate whether to tell you that there's an undercurrent of anxiety running just below the surface. I know full well that I will get over this, but I haven't quite internalized that message. Instead, I find myself asking the questions that a lot of depressed people ask. What if it doesn't get better? What if I'm doomed to repeat this cycle again and again? When my life is relatively pleasant, why can't I just be happy? What is wrong with me?

When you have a thyroid condition, it takes awhile to adjust. There's always a little part of you monitoring every weight fluctuation and energy shift, wondering if it's time to get the levels checked. Normal becomes a relative term. I'm afraid that this could be similar. Will I be looking over my shoulder now? Wondering if my latest crying jag is just frustration, or the sign of something bigger? I don't want that to happen. I won't let it.

I made a difficult decision yesterday to go on antidepressants. It's funny: by definition, depression messes with your brain. Yet, choosing to mess with it -- even if it's to clean up the original problem -- rattles me. I'm very, very scared of antidepressants. I'm afraid of their side effects, and of what happens if they don't work. I'm afraid of what happens if they do.

I'm also a little tired of explaining it to people. Yes, the medications are prescribed too often...but sometimes, some of us actually need them. If I thought I could do this myself, I would. Believe me: I've been agonizing over that for two months -- probably longer, on a subconscious level. If I knew how to fix this, I would. But even when I'm having a run of good days, as I've been, there are signs that I'm not entirely in control here. I'm still too anxious. I still jump to wild conclusions about the future on no evidence whatsoever. I have little OCD tics that flare like signal fires in the distance. Even today, when I was reeling from the first pills and wondering how I'd make it through the adjustment period, I thought about trying to go it alone again. But deep down, I know I need to try this now. Alone is too big, too much. I might be okay, but I wouldn't be all right.

CB leaves tomorrow, and I don't want him to go. He is a calming influence right now. I love my family, but they can be intense and stress-inducing; they don't know how to react, and so they get bigger and louder, talk about everyday things like bird feeders and television when I just need someone to tell me that this is going to get better. CB isn't like that. I know he doesn't know what to do, but nine times out of 10 he manages to be as supportive as anyone I can imagine. He is my rock, while the rest of us are just waves crashing around him. I feel terrible about the mixed emotions I have regarding my family. They've opened their home to me after a long time of being on my own, and they are doing the best they can. But I've been independent for so long, and I'm nervous that I might let myself become too dependent when I'm in close proximity to them. Being so connected has its disadvantages. So, living with the family is a mixed bag, but I can't go back to England right now. I need to work on me before we move for CB's postdoc. I know this, and I agree with it...but it doesn't make his leaving any easier. I wish we could be done with this LDR already, even though we're more than halfway there.

I know things will work out. I have to believe that, because I need to keep the right state of mind to move through this. It'll happen, and I just need to learn to be patient. But lord, sometimes I wish I could just skip to the part where things feel right again.

Comments

[Billygean]

Hiya

Oh sweetie I should have realised. i hope you're reading dooce religiously because she's got her head screwed on about depression.

My father got divorced a few years ago and he became depressed from the trauma of it. it took him a whole year to go on medication because he thought it was circumstances that would resolve and so would the depression. He eventually quit his job and went on meds and is still on them. They restore YOU, they do not replace you with fake happiness. He is better than I have ever seen him and it didn't take too long.

Hang in there xx

BG

[Lady Falderol]

Thanks, BG. I do read dooce, and the recent post on Jon's site really helped.

Your perspective means a lot -- I think I was in the same boat, as far as thinking things would just get better on their own. I'm learning, so at least that's something. I do need to think about the meds that way, as well. Glad MadFather is feeling well. I hope you're doing alright, too! :)

[Lis Fies]

I've been on Effexor for years and it's perfect for me for keeping anxiety and depression manageable. But, I think it was the 3rd or 4th one we tried...so don't give up if your doctor's first guess doesn't work!