One of the most frustrating things about depression is the inability to predict when it will strike. While life hasn't been great lately, I wouldn't call it particularly taxing in recent months; perhaps that's why it arrived this fall, when I'd let my guard down after a difficult year. Now, it's become cyclical. A run of good days, followed by a couple where I fulfill all the stereotypes (head in a fog, trapped in a hole, unable to get out of bed...you name it). Every time it eases, I think I might be over the hump. Every time it returns, it's a little more demoralizing.
This blog is not going to be about depression, but depression is part of this blog. Writing is one of my biggest coping tools, and I'd be a fool not to use it. At the same time, there are a lot of details I'm not sure I want to share -- you never know who might find you in the blogosphere, and I also hesitate to tell my friends just how messed up things can get over here. I might write a lot of posts and never publish them, which seems to be the case as of late. Eventually, as I climb back out of this ravine, I'll start publishing more often about a wider variety of topics. Now, though, it can be a protracted struggle to do anything beyond what must be completed on a given day. Too, I find I'm guarding my emotions, because depression makes you mistrust everything you think and feel. For someone going through it the first time (or maybe the second -- I'm still not sure), it's extremely challenging to sort out what's you and what's the depression when your thoughts tumble like rags in the dryer.
This is uncharted territory for me. Please don't read if you don't want to know or if it makes you feel uncomfortable; if you know me personally, it might be easier. I'll post everything that isn't about depression to my other blog. If you do continue, I hope I find ways to make the trip worthwhile.
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