There's so much to write, but somehow I can't find it in me to put it down on paper. For now, I want to link to two articles that anyone who's ever dealt with depression should read -- or anyone who knows someone suffering, because it might provide insight into that world.
This one, found by Dooce, gets it all right. The guilt: why me, when so much is right in my life? The pain: constant, buzzing, debilitating. Read it here.
This one, by Judith Warner, made me want to fly to New York to hug her. In a world where we're convinced that all Americans are overmedicated, going on depression meds can be a harrowing experience. You feel like you're caving in, like you should be able to heal yourself. There are friends you can't talk to because they are too quick to speak out against medication. But Judith gets it right: maybe we should stop viewing it as an all-or-nothing issue. Perhaps the truth is closer to this: that for the first time, we're able to help people who used to help themselves through alcohol, drugs, dangerous behavior, isolation, or suicide. If meds can bring people like me back from the human mind's darkest corners, should we be so quick to condemn them?
I'm not okay yet. I've been on a full dose of my SSRI for about three weeks, so I still have days like yesterday where I feel like I'm backsliding into despair. But I'm clawing my way back, one slow dogged scrape at a time. I want to write about it -- it's the most therapeutic tool I have at hand right now. But I don't know if anyone's out there anymore. I don't know if anyone wants to hear this stuff.
